There is a little bug. A beetle, to be exact, and it is called the Bombardier Beetle. It has a very unique talent. If that little bug is walking along, minding its very own business, and a toad comes along and eats it? That Bombardier Beetle will begin to project hot, noxious chemicals from its anus, which then forces that old toad, to puke it back up.
Now. This to me seems like some sort of design gift from God. But a backhanded one. Was God like sitting around with the Angels, knocking back a few cold beers on the fifth night of creation?
And God was like, “OK, wait. Gabriel, I’ll create a bug that tastes SOOOoooo bad, even toads will puke it up.”
And Gabriel was like, “Nooooo. Wait. I got it. You should make him have horrible poison-tasting-GOO ooze right out of his butt when he is swallowed. That way, when he tells his buddies about the whole ordeal, he has to include the word ‘anus’ in the story. Bwwaaahhh hhhhaaa hhaa.”
And then. “Hey God.”
“You should make an entire PLANET named “Anus!”
“Gabe. I got one better. What about YOUR Anus? Haaaaahaaahaa ha.”
I bet that’s how it happened.
Then there is the Kea Parrot. It lives in New Zealand. Apparently, when this bird is in a good mood, it laughs. An infectious laugh. And when it starts laughing, the other Kea Parrots start laughing. And before you know it, you have a whole bunch of these parrots, sitting around, cracking up.
Again. I’m just wondering how God came to this one too. Maybe Archangel Michael was in on this one.
“Hey Mike. I think I am going to make Sally Jo Humphries have this snorty, high-pitched laugh. And when she really gets going, everyone else around her will start cracking up. It will be good for the humans.”
“Sounds good God. You should make a bird like that. No. Wait. A parrot. On some remote island.”
“Just for the heck of it.”
“Hey, watch your language there Mike.”
“Whoops. Gotcha’ Sir. But do the laughing parrot thing. It will be a hoot.”
“That’s the Owl Mike.”
“God, how are you keeping all this Creation stuff straight? I mean, Holy Moly.”
“Just between you and me Mike, I’ve flubbed up a few times. Like with the Platypus. And then there is the Human Male. What was I thinking?”
Oh yes. Our good creation. Finally. There is a cute little monkey that lives down in Central and South America. It is called the Capuchin Monkey. Oh my God they are so cute. No pun intended. They are most readily identified as the “Organ Grinder” Monkey. Here’s the thing about them, though. They pee on their hands to wash their own feet. Again. I am pretty sure Gabriel was in on this one with God. And drinking was involved, again.
“Oh my God!”
“What is it Gabriel?”
“I was in the John peeing. Oh wait. Sidebar God. Do you think all the guys named John will be hacked off at you naming the toilets ‘Johns’ too?”
“Gabriel, it is too late. I did that on day four.”
“Okay. Anyway God, I was in there peeing. And, first, I got some on my hands…. and then I missed the whole thing, and peed on my feet.”
“Hey Gabriel. That gives me an idea. Let’s make a monnnkkkeey……”
Today? Just be you.
“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
― Oscar Wilde
“What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.”
― Mark Twain
“The intention that man should be happy is not in the plan of Creation.”
― Sigmund Freud