I think I need a nickname. I didn’t feel strongly about this, before this morning. But now I certainly do — when I was reminded of George “Machine Gun” Kelly. Today happens to be his birthday.
So you see what I mean.
A nickname gives you a certain amount of weight, or clout, or something in the way of heavy boots and cigar stubbles. If I walk into a party, say, someone might point and whisper, “Oh. There’s Polly Kronenberger.” And. Zip. Nadda. Big Whoop.
BUT. If I had a nickname, just think of the ramifications.
“Oh. Look. There’s Polly “The Butter Knife” Kronenberger. I bet you any money, people would back away when I walked up to the cheese fondue table.
So, it’s much better don’t you think? Yet. As I think of it, most of the people with nicknames seem to be the bad guys. Here’s a few:
Tony “Big Tuna” Accardo
Louis “Cock-Eyed Lou” Fratto
Albert “Tick–Tock” Tannenbaum
Thomas “The Toupee” Bilotti
Joseph “Joe Bananas” Bonanno
And my two favorites, especially if they hung around with one another:
Louis “Louie Bagels” Daidone
Louis “Louie Eggs” Consalvo
I guess athletes have those nicknames too. Quite frequently, but on a less menacing level.
Earvin “Magic” Johnson / George Herman “Babe” Ruth / “Broadway” Joe Namath / Ty Cobb: “The Georgia Peach”
But they aren’t the same as gangster nicknames. Like Ted Williams: “The Splendid Splinter” — sounds a little lamb-y. Actually.
No, for those of us who are serious about rising to the occasion, we need to be Christened with good nicknames. It should happen sometime shortly after our baptisms, circumcisions, or whatever else we go through to get our normal, everyday names.
I kinda’ like Butter Knife for me. Or Polly “The Nose” Kronenberger.
You see, if I had a nickname, like this, I could have walked right up to the microphone yesterday at Trump’s Rally in North Carolina. The one, where all the white people were chanting “Send her back. Send her back.” under the guidance of Donald himself.
Yes, I could have nudged my way in front of the podium, because no one messes with Polly “The Pencil” Kronenberger. And I would have taken that mic in my hand and said, “Quit being so damned racist. All of you. Stop it now. Because your shade of white is completely different from everyone else’s. We are all different. And your coloring doesn’t make you any better, or worse, than anyone else. What makes you worse, is your block-headed notion that you somehow have the right to discriminate. Shame on you. You white, mismatched, misguided, misbehaving people.”
And then I would have stepped away from the podium. Having had spoken my mind. And the crowd would have fallen silent. If only I had a nickname.
“Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.”
― Albert Einstein
“Being all equal and independent, no one ought to harm another in his life, health, liberty, or possessions.”
― John Locke, Second Treatise of Government
“As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.”
― Abraham Lincoln