Cool it, will ya’?

Here in the Midwest, we are experiencing extreme heat. All the talking heads on the TV are giving tips on how to beat the heat. Drink water. Stay indoors. Yadda. And more Yadda. But, I have some random thoughts to offer, about how to relieve the grasps of the heat. (Which I am not complaining about. To me, this beats frozen-tundra-January.). So here they are. Some things to do.

• Watch these swim, or just think about them.
Every time I see them, I think, I really love those Sea Turtles. I haven’t seen one face to face in quite some time. But any photo will do.

They have been here so long. In fact, Sea Turtles have been on Earth for more than 100 million years. If you don’t know the rest of the numbers, here are a few to consider. The dinosaurs went extinct about 65 million years ago. Heaven only knows why. And what about humans? Our early human ancestors started walking on two legs about 4 million years ago. So as you can see, the Sea Turtles must have a little well-kept secret.

They live a long time too. Some of them, up to 150 years old. Scientists have looked into this. They say that a key explanation for the sea turtle’s long lifespan is du to its slow metabolism. That slow, and sluggish rate of converting food into energy.

So. Those of my friends who sometimes complain about slow metabolisms? Well. You may be on to something.

• Take two. Call me.
A lot of people take aspirin for different reasons. Many still use it for pain. Perhaps the heat has been giving you a headache. Well, apparently, there is more than one way to take an aspirin. In America, we swallow our aspirin tablets whole. The British dissolve theirs in water. And the French prefer theirs as suppositories. Leave it to the French.
Long ago, those ancient Egyptians took their painkillers in the form of tree bark. It is true. Egyptian doctors gave their patients willow bark to relieve pain. And wouldn’t you know? Tree bark contains salicin — which is the raw ingredient in aspirin.

I don’t know if aspirin will help, but if you take it the American way, at least you’ll be drinking some water.

• Don’t hit the pavement
It has been proven that exercise has many benefits. If you do it right, one of these perks is to help us feel better in our bodies as we age. The young effect. Some Americans are better at this than others. The worst states for exercise are: Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Oklahoma, and New York. The best states? Colorado, Idaho, New Hampshire, DC, Vermont, Maine. It appears that in those hotter, more southern states, people aren’t moving as much. I suggest that it is too damn hot.

• Move to the Moon. Well, the dark side, at least.
NASA has said that we could have people living on the moon in about 8 years, or so. Here is the thing. Daytime on one side of the moon lasts about 13 and a half days. And then, Nighttime. It comes around for 13 and a half nights of pitch dark. Either way, you’ll need a suit. The moon’s surface temperature can reach 260 degrees F when the sun is out. In the dark, those temperatures will dip to minus 280 F. I guess things aren’t so bad here, at 110º F.

So there it is. Ways to be cool.

A public service announcement from the Cool Team at Kid Wednesday.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
In this case, there really is an “I” in team. You see, I’m the only employee at Kid Wednesday.
Unless you count the mouse in my pocket.
Either way, neither one of us are very cool.


“Only by binding together as a single force will we remain strong and unconquerable.”
― Chris Bradford, The Way of the Dragon


“But we are strong, each in our purpose, and we are all more strong together.”
― Bram Stoker, Dracula


“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
― Willie Nelson