What the…

Then there are the “What Ifs” that we all have come to know from time to time. You are sitting there, in your Jammy Pants, eating buttered popcorn, and watching reruns of “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father.” Then, suddenly, some profound revelation comes down from the heavens, or maybe just the attic, and it strikes your brain.

I have these moments frequently.

Like, what if Goldfish were really made of gold? Oh, it would never work. Which is probably why nature did not design them in that way. They would sink to the bottom. Without fail. But they would have sunk into obscurity long ago. I imagine people would have pulled them all from the water, to cash them in. Like gold teeth, in the Wild Wild West. Mostly, I think a color-blind person named them. That was the mistake. They should have been called Orangefish, which is closer to the truth.

I guess fish are in my psyche right now. I wondered what the oceans would be like if Jellyfish were really Peanut-Butter-and-Jelly-Fish. Again, this might cause a design flaw in their buoyancy. However, swimmers certainly would smell them coming, resulting in less in stinging incidents. And, as a bonus, for your picnic on the beach, all you would need is a loaf of white bread. If you could catch those Peanut-Butter-and-Jelly-Fish.

Jelly. Jelly. And. Fish. Fish. What if you planted a Jellybean? I think it would be great if a stalk would pop up, out of the ground, sporting little jars of strawberry and raspberry preserves. Bring a knife and crumpets. OR. What if Fish Bowls were not their homes, but instead their favorite sport? I would love to watch a good game of Fish Bowling.

Certain What-Ifs are hard to fathom. I am very glad that Horseradish is not made from horse meat and radishes. I would most likely have to quit eating Horseradish on Prime Rib. Now that I think of it, I also put extra horseradish in Cocktail Sauce. That would have to stop.

Oh, gawd. What if the Cocktail sauce was really made from Cock Tails?

Tablespoon. The literal sense of the word wouldn’t work for measuring things.

And then there it Hamburger. It is not made out of ham. But, I think it would be good that way. Truly, we should have Hamburgers of Ham, and Beefburgers of Beef.

Some things are simply true. They are not “What-Ifs” at all. I mean, Egg Noodles have eggs in them for crying out loud. This is probably due to the fact that eggs are dependable. You can count on eggs. A hard-boiled egg, truly is. Fried. Poached. Scrambled. No matter the label, underneath, you will always find the egg.

I guess consistency is all I am wondering about, in my list of “What Ifs.” Pits. A lot of things have pits. Olives, cherries, mangos, avocados, dates. We have pits. Armpits. But there is no big seedy thing growing there. At least, not under my arms there is not.

Hey. Here is my best idea yet.
What if I quit wondering about What Ifs?