Spread it on thick.


I don’t know why I like Wisconsin, but I do. Maybe it is the “cheese” thing, or it could be that it neighbors the land of all the lakes. I’ve only been there once, that I can recall. It was a short layover in the Milwaukee Airport. So, technically, yes, I have been in the state. But my foot never physically touched the soil. Just the floor of Milwaukee Mitchell International Airport.

But I like Wisconsin. I even root for the University of Wisconsin in all sports.

And. I didn’t see the game Friday night, but in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, Wisconsin was defeated by Oregon. It was a pretty big upset, 72-54. The Ducks beat the Badgers.

Let’s stop for a moment there. I think in all sports, there should be an alternate contest which is based solely on the mascots. In this case, Oregon would lose to Wisconsin every time. Badgers would conquer ducks in the animal kingdom. I’m not an expert, but that is my assessment. I’ve seen those mean, teethy badgers. And I know those ambling, waddling ducks. The outcome would be sad and horrendous for those waddle-butts.

Although, if this were true — if teams really did work this way — based on the mascot rivals, everyone would change their names. You see, some species in the animal kingdom are lucky enough to enjoy a life without fear. They rule. This is due to the fact that there is no other animal to hunt them. Within their habitat, that is. Humans are the only threat to such apex predators. On all the Earth. They have lists for these things. Here are the top nine Apex Predators.
9. Komodo Dragon
8. Snow Leopard
7. Saltwater Crocodile
6. Golden Eagle
5. Polar Bear
4. Lion
3. Great White Shark
2. Tiger
1. Killer Whale

So, then, all the sports teams, all the world around would be like, the Cincinnati Killer Whales. The football team would run out, and they’d be all blue and black, and people in the stands would be wearing those big styrofoam Killer Whale Heads. Then they would announce the Los Angeles Killer Whales, and it would be the same thing on their side. Which, if you think about it, would cut down on fights in the stands between opposing fans. No one could tell one another apart. What with the big whale heads and all.

Oh, my idea for the Mascot Battles is flawed, at best. I never claimed to be an inventor.

At any rate. I like Wisconsin. And I got off track.

It could be the cheese, but most likely it is the butter. Wisconsin is a Butter State for sure. Butter happens when there are so many cows. In fact, Wisconsin banned the sale and use of margarine from 1895 to 1967. These days, the ban has been lifted. But, wouldn’t you know? Some restrictions on margarine remain today. It’s still illegal for a restaurant to serve margarine as a butter substitute unless the customer specifically requests it. Illegal. Those are some serious butter rules.

When I was growing up, we never, ever, ever had butter. We ate Chiffon Margarine. Now. I don’t know how strongly opposed I was to the taste of it. I am not picky in the way of food, at all. I think the problem was not the margarine. The pitfall was our leftovers.

If, and when, we had leftovers, they were stored dutifully in the old Chiffon Margarine containers. And my Mom did not like leftovers. So she was highly unlikely to pull them back out. So then, going to the refrigerator in search of what we called “butter” was akin to a dicey game of Russian Roulette. Inside those doors were anywhere from 5 to 15 containers that resembled Chiffon on the outside. But beneath the lid could be ANYTHING. Most of the times, it resembled a science project gone bad, with an influx of smelly mold to whisk your appetite right away. I hated opening Chiffon Containers in search of our butter. It was like a badger fighting a duck. Only worse.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is this.
I hope no matter what might be in store for your day, I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope your day is filled with good mascot wins too.
Killer Whale it.


“One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.”
― Oscar Wilde


“You rarely win, but sometimes you do.”
― Harper Lee


“The game itself is bigger than the winning.”
― Dejan Stojanovic