I love the Internet. I truly do. I am not sure how I could have been a full-functioning human prior to the internet. I guess I was just dumber-Polly. But now. NOW. We have the all and all. The information. The connections. The seeming-less infinite resource of data swirling around in this entity we call the Internet. We are at a point in society, where we have the ability to find out nearly anything…. .. about anything. And fast.
Here is what I mean.
• In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand. But someone funded this study. And now we know.
• Heart attacks are more likely to happen on a Monday. Just another reason you should feel safe & secure, here at Kid Wednesday.
• You cannot snore and dream at the same time. Which means, Mary isn’t dreaming much. At all.
• That slug, in your garden, has four noses. Be nice to it, because she likes the way you smell.
• Birds don’t pee. I think I would like to come back as a bird.
• The Bible is the most shoplifted book in the world. That is incredibly funny to me. Thou shall not.
So there you have it. In a matter of seconds, I foraged up some tasty vittles for us. And this, as we all know, goes on and on.
Book a flight. Find a recipe for fried chicken. Buy a car. Heck. Buy anything. Pay your bills. Research your family tree. Post photos of your vacation to the Toledo Museum of Teacups. It is all there at our little fingertips.
On the other hand, I dislike what the internet has become. Yes, it has grown exponentially since I first met up with it in the 1990s. I miss those days of plain text on gray backgrounds. I do.
The thing that irks me the most with our internet of this day, is the ads. The plethora and onslaught of ads. Every page jumps up and down and scrolls this way and that, as it loads and reloads. I will go to click on a link about Napoleon, and suddenly a pop-up ad for ZenHead Tunics, of all things, will flash right before my eyes. News videos begin playing about mergers, and murders. Catchy stories fill the footers… like how to remove that unsightly saggy skin above your knees.
Sometimes I see things I don’t want to see. Things I didn’t ask to see. Images, I simply can not get out of my head.
Just now, when looking for an example of these unscrupulous ads, the following “teasers” popped in.
• Doctor says carbs are not the problem. The problem is this.
• Family dog grabs and throws newborn. Mom freezes until she finds out why (see gallery)
• The Palestinian dessert few can enjoy.
• How a night out ended in scars.
And then, when you go to click the back button, or to close the window, you are met with yet another window, asking you to subscribe to something. Somewhere.
And no. I am not a robot. How many times must they ask me?
But sometimes, all of this makes me feel a little bit like one.
Can we all put our hands on our monitors and sing a few verses of “It’s a Small World” right now? Just a little louder, please?
I think I’m feeling better now.
“You realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
― Søren Kierkegaard
“The past is never where you think you left it.”
― Katherine Anne Porter