Major League Baseball is dying. If you are not a sports fan, please don’t run from this article. You see. I am here to help baseball. Right now. On this day.
It used to be our National Pastime. In this Great Country of the USA. Baseball. Apple Pie. And on. Better than Bowling, if you can imagine.
So. If someone would like to forward this to the King of Major League Baseball, whoever he is, feel free to send away. I don’t know who the King is though. I am not sure if he wears a purple robe with those thorny things on it, or not. But I bet he has a scepter. And it is not a Queen. There has never been a woman leader of MLB.
That’s their first strike.
If you haven’t noticed, the World Series is underway. Some of you may not know this at all. But, it is supposed to be a big-dang-deal. The two teams colliding, are the Boston Red Sox, and the Los Angeles Dodgers. Frankly, I do not care. There are a lot of people in the United States who do not care. As I said, MLB is gasping for its last breath.
When the first season started off, way back in 1876, it was a different deal. They only played 70 games. And there were fewer teams. And the guys were in the dirt. They played.
Even so, I think we need all the teams we have now. In all the different cities. Maybe even more. But. We need WAY fewer games. Like maybe just one game a week. Like football. I bet attendance on those nights would skyrocket.
Next. Fire all the players. All of them. Hire kids, right out of high school and college who are hungry to play the game. Young men and women alike. Pay them modest wages. Certainly, pay them less than school teachers and firefighters.
On occasion, we can invite celebrities to play an inning or two. Judge Judy. The Teletubbies. Maybe Bruce Springsteen, or Bono. Big Bird.
Cut each game to four quarters. Yes, yes, I know baseball. I know there are 9 innings in a game. But nine, long, grueling innings are an infringement on good people’s time. So, slice the game into four-timed quarters. Each team has a certain amount of time to bat. There would be a “delay of game” if the pitcher, OR the defense, tries to stall. An allotted number of timeouts. Etcetera. Etcetera. Like football. Like basketball. Like soccer. All timed.
Finally, add some flair. Right now, MLB has tried to “liven” up their games by sending out “Mascots” in between innings, to throw t-shirts into the crowd, or to give away free pizzas. Or the Mascots race each other around the field. Oh for crying out loud, King of Baseball. We are not eight years old anymore. We want real flair.
Like. Like. Okay. In between innings, send one guy from each team, out to the mound. There will be an umpire there. They will face off in a modified game of Quidditch. The Ump will release the Golden Snitch. Whichever guy catches the Golden Snitch first, scores one point for his team. Then, back to regular baseball business. Think of the strategy and posturing. Never knowing who the other team might be sending out until a moment before each inning. The players would have to go “all out”. They could tackle one another, and such. Flying brooms and all. That would get the crowds in an uproar.
If there is not enough magic to get Quidditch rolling, at least a good game of “Steal the Bacon” between innings.
Yes, now we are getting somewhere.
Let a Queen be the Ruler. I’m talking any Queen. And I know a few.
Shorter playing times.
That ought to do it.
But we can never, ever, invite Cinderella to play.
It seems she is always running away from the ball.
“Winning isn’t everything–but wanting to win is.”
― Vince Lombardi
“The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That’s real glory. That’s the essence of it.”
― Vince Lombardi
“The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” — Vince Lombardi