Another pry, mate.

Is it just me, or has another primate made a newsworthy jailbreak? Again.

Yes, this time, the story comes to us from the San Antonio International Airport. A baboon escaped from a crate. And on a Monday afternoon, of all things. Let’s stop the story right there. First of all, let’s just suppose some things about this Baboon.

Dang it, let us call him Stanley for the sake of this article. Not only for clarity, but because that is the Baboon’s actual name. Now. I bet you Stanley has made this flight a bunch of times. He, or others like him. They know, (they know, they know, they know) that the folks at the airport are coming down from a party-weekend. It is Monday. Ugh, Mondays. And they let their guard down when they are all nursing hangovers. This was all a part of the planning, I’ll tell you. Right down to the conveyer belt.

So Stan is in his crate. Flying Cargo. And he lands in San Antonio, to make his connection. Little did the Airline People know, that while on that flight, Stanley the Baboon, met Perry the Python, a talking snake with a pension for apples. But now the story gets interesting. While in the Windy City, Perry got a hold of a long dagger, from a magician named The Great Splendini, just outside the Chicago Zoo. They were part of the same act there which was a fundraiser thing, for people who limp with their right legs. So. Perry the Python swallowed the thing, along with a couple of Crisp Fujis. And away he went. To the airport.

Now let’s go back to San Antonio. Perry struck a deal with Stanley the Baboon. Season tickets to the Chicago Blackhawks’ Hockey Season. That is a whole other story in itself, but Stanley was more than willing to hand over his third-row tickets in exchange for the dagger. Which, by the way, Perry had to produce by gagging himself with his own tail. It was not a pretty scene in the American Flight 1014 Cargo Bay.

Which brings me to the escape. All of this planning, and extremely good fortune, finally led to Stanley, in his crate, with a dagger, on the runway. He could have gotten ugly, if he wanted. But no. He simply loosened the 12 screws in the crate, gave it a good shoulder, and just like that. Away he went. See you soon, you big Baboon.

Here is where the planning went south. There was supposed to be a getaway car at Gate 8B. Driven, coincidentally, by another talking snake named Benny. Snakes make great drivers. They can reach the pedals, and grab the steering wheel, from toe to head. But Benny got a flat tire, just outside of Elmendorf, on his way to the airport.

So, a viewer-video captured Stanley moving from the American Airlines facilities and towards the United Airlines baggage area, where it was able to evade authorities for almost an hour. He was calm and cool during the wait. But. Benny never showed.

San Antonio Police say that the monkey was contained around 3:45 PM. Crews were able to isolate Stanley to a room at the airport, where he was interrogated thoroughly, and given eight bananas, as bribes, to give up his accomplices. Stanley was silent.

Most operations at San Antonio International have returned to normal, though the airport has announced that some flights may be delayed due to the “wildlife issue.”

At any rate. Smart monkey. I bet his hominids are related to our hominids. Maybe.


“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ”
― William S. Burroughs


“How did I escape? With difficulty. How did I plan this moment? With pleasure.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo


“You will evolve past certain people. Let yourself.” Anonymous