Slow Boat


Last night, I was outside with the dogs. The was a snail on the walkway by our house.

I leaned down, and said, “Hey Buddy. Get a move on.” And then I laughed and laughed.

Of course, the thing just sat there. Well, actually. For all I know, it could have been in an all-out sprint. But to me….

So then I said, “If I shipped you as freight somewhere, it would be much faster. Then you would be…. S-Cargo!”

He looked at me again, kind of sideways. Clearly, he wasn’t amused. But hey, I had a captive audience. Just then, Lou ran up and sniffed his snail-butt, and then ran away. I laughed again.

“Dude,” I said. “Lighten up, will ya’? You are looking a little sluggish.”

He pushed forward just a wee bit, and I could see he was leaving a tiny trail of ooze.

“Hey. Hey, hey, hey. You are leaving a mark back there. Right there on the pavers. And listen, while we are on it, you are lucky I’m earth-friendly. Most people see you as a garden pest. Herbivore that you are. Eating the leaves of perfectly good plants, with your ribbon-like tongue that contains thousands of microscopic teeth. Yeah, I know its in there. Gross. If you ask me.”

“So get outa’ here. Before I get the salt shaker.”

Just then, his little head bobbed up, and he stuck out that nasty little tongue. He stuck it out right at me.

Needless to say, if you’ve been dissed by a snail, that is grounds for a quarrel.

So I got into a bit of a fight with that snail. Yes. It was a real slug-fest.

Well, I have the size and speed advantage. Right now, he is in a box. On his way to Paris, France. To a place called, Restaurant Le Gabriel. ATTN: Chef.

Yeah, you probably remember the place. It was in the news last year. Someone had thrown a grenade into the kitchen there. No one was injured, but it resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.


“Sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left, and laughing feels better right now.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent


“If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.”
― Robert Frost


“I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh.”
― Maya Angelou