Fu Man Chew!

Here’s the cold hard truth. I don’t like Tofu. Now… please… I know. You have this great Tofu recipe and I would be sure to like it… if only I’d try your Tofu & Beansprout Surprise. Or … surely…. SURELY…. I am not fixing it right.

As your friend … who has pledged to be honestly loyal to you… I can positively verify that I do not like Tofu.

I have tried it many times, and many ways.
Honey Tomato with Tofu
Crispy Fried Tofu with Dipping Sauce
Scrambled Tofu with Spinach & Black Beans
Tofu Parmigiana
Tofu Burgers
Coconut Curry Tofu
Tofu Freaking Freaking Freaking Surprise

And many more.

I have never enjoyed a Tofu anything. I would rather chew on BBQ styrofoam, or honey-glazed erasers.

The very name of it is suspect. Tofu.
Do you understand the implications of this? It is Code! The convergence of two words into one. How else would its name have evolved? Like JLo (Jennifer Lopez) & A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez). Or Bodacious. Cosplay. Chillax. Frenemy. Craptacular.

ToFu = Toe Fungus. As plain as the nose on your face.

I have inside sources. The conspiracy started in the 1970s. A band of hippies in Taos, New Mexico were dropping magic mushrooms. They came up with this great idea to take soybeans and transform them into the world’s worst substance. But the beans must be mashed by dirty hippy feet. Hence the toe jam. From there…. market it… to all the other hippies dropping shrooms. Sell it as the world’s greatest health food. The marketing scheme? The alternative to evil meat.

The ruse caught on like wildfire. And Tofu made its mark… in history… and on our grocery store shelves.

Well, the likes of me will not be fooled. Anything that is off-white, clammy, and slimy… should stay deep in the recesses of the shells in the ocean. Like Calamari. Don’t fry those rubber bands up for me either.

There aren’t many foods I do not like. In fact, these are the only two I can think of.

So today. Let’s take a stand. Do not eat a single bite of a food you loathe. Instead, have a bowl of ice cream, or a juicy steak, or a head of cauliflower. Whatever is your cup of tea.

And if it is a cup of tea you love, have some of that too.



“I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.”
― Oscar Wilde


“The more obscure our tastes, the greater the proof of our genius.”
― Jennifer Donnelly, Revolution


“Art and life are subjective. Not everybody’s gonna dig what I dig, but I reserve the right to dig it.”
― Whoopi Goldberg